Jeannette
29-09-2008, 01:18 AM
Hi all
Just thought I would add some humour to this space, please feel free to join in.
News Flash
One ship carrying blue paint collided with another ship carrying red paint. The crew is missing and believed to be marooned!
...........
But Things Have Changed Lord!
God, deciding that the Earth had become too wicked again, sent down Noah to build another ark and to again save two of every living thing. “You have six months before I send the great flood.” God said.
Six months later, God called in the thunder and lightning and the rain came. He looked down and found Noah very distraught and with not one plank on the boat’s hull.
“Noah, I have started the storm, why is the boat not finished?”
“There have been some construction delays Lord. First I was told I needed a building permit. Then a group called PETA protested saying that it was inhumane to put all the animals in such a small place. Then I was told that because I lived in a flood plain I could not build the ark there. I told them that building it in a flood plain was exactly the point but that did not impress them. My new location was fine but the EPA had to first do an environmental impact study that held up construction until just yesterday!”
Suddenly the clouds cleared up and a beautiful rainbow crossed the celestial horizon.
“I’m calling you back.” God said.
“Aren’t you going to destroy the world Lord?" Noah asked.
“What’s the point?” God said. “It looks like someone beat me to it!”
............
Nautical Lingo
An ensign on sea duty for the first time overheard a recruit say he was going downstairs. “Listen, sailor," he snarled, "Downstairs is below, that side is starboard, that's aft and that's portside. If I ever hear you say one more civilian word like "downstairs" again I'll throw you through that little round window over there!"
............
Nautical Lingo 2
The Steamboat Captain brought his son along on a short cruise upriver to show him what he does for a living. All the kid wanted to do was steer the boat. Insisting that his father taught him enough to handle the job he asked the pilot to let him take the helm.
"Okay", said the pilot, "but you must pass a small test first.
If I asked you to turn to the left, what nautical term should I use?" "Turn to Port", said the boy. "Correct", said the pilot.
"If I wanted you to turn the boat to the right, what direction would that be?" "Starboard", said boy grinning from ear to ear. "Good for you", said the pilot.
"And straight?" asked the pilot. The boy quickly replied, "Without ice."
............
Pass the….
First sailor: "Pass me the chocolate pudding, would you?"
Second sailor: "No way, Jose!"
First sailor: "Why not?"
Second sailor: "It's against regulations to help another sailor to dessert!"
............
A Boat, a Lady and One Dead Bird
A lady on a cruise bought a parrot on an island stop and took it back to the ship. After two days at sea the lady found her new friend lying on its back - feet pointed straight up.
She hailed the ship's doctor, "Please help my friend," wailed the lady. "I'm sorry the bird is quite dead" said the doc. "No, no... It can't be", cried the lady.
The doctor called in his own pet, a Labrador retriever, which sniffed the bird, shook his head and walked out.
Next, the doctor called in his cat which carefully walked a circle around the bird and walked out.
"No doubt about it ", said the doctor, "That is a dead bird."
The doctor reached for his pen and pad. He wrote out a bill and handed it to the lady. "Eight Hundred dollars!?" cried the lady.
"That's Correct! I'm charging you for three procedures. There is my opinion, a lab report and a cat scan."
Ok not side splitting but good fun all the same and there is more to come.
Jeannette
Just thought I would add some humour to this space, please feel free to join in.
News Flash
One ship carrying blue paint collided with another ship carrying red paint. The crew is missing and believed to be marooned!
...........
But Things Have Changed Lord!
God, deciding that the Earth had become too wicked again, sent down Noah to build another ark and to again save two of every living thing. “You have six months before I send the great flood.” God said.
Six months later, God called in the thunder and lightning and the rain came. He looked down and found Noah very distraught and with not one plank on the boat’s hull.
“Noah, I have started the storm, why is the boat not finished?”
“There have been some construction delays Lord. First I was told I needed a building permit. Then a group called PETA protested saying that it was inhumane to put all the animals in such a small place. Then I was told that because I lived in a flood plain I could not build the ark there. I told them that building it in a flood plain was exactly the point but that did not impress them. My new location was fine but the EPA had to first do an environmental impact study that held up construction until just yesterday!”
Suddenly the clouds cleared up and a beautiful rainbow crossed the celestial horizon.
“I’m calling you back.” God said.
“Aren’t you going to destroy the world Lord?" Noah asked.
“What’s the point?” God said. “It looks like someone beat me to it!”
............
Nautical Lingo
An ensign on sea duty for the first time overheard a recruit say he was going downstairs. “Listen, sailor," he snarled, "Downstairs is below, that side is starboard, that's aft and that's portside. If I ever hear you say one more civilian word like "downstairs" again I'll throw you through that little round window over there!"
............
Nautical Lingo 2
The Steamboat Captain brought his son along on a short cruise upriver to show him what he does for a living. All the kid wanted to do was steer the boat. Insisting that his father taught him enough to handle the job he asked the pilot to let him take the helm.
"Okay", said the pilot, "but you must pass a small test first.
If I asked you to turn to the left, what nautical term should I use?" "Turn to Port", said the boy. "Correct", said the pilot.
"If I wanted you to turn the boat to the right, what direction would that be?" "Starboard", said boy grinning from ear to ear. "Good for you", said the pilot.
"And straight?" asked the pilot. The boy quickly replied, "Without ice."
............
Pass the….
First sailor: "Pass me the chocolate pudding, would you?"
Second sailor: "No way, Jose!"
First sailor: "Why not?"
Second sailor: "It's against regulations to help another sailor to dessert!"
............
A Boat, a Lady and One Dead Bird
A lady on a cruise bought a parrot on an island stop and took it back to the ship. After two days at sea the lady found her new friend lying on its back - feet pointed straight up.
She hailed the ship's doctor, "Please help my friend," wailed the lady. "I'm sorry the bird is quite dead" said the doc. "No, no... It can't be", cried the lady.
The doctor called in his own pet, a Labrador retriever, which sniffed the bird, shook his head and walked out.
Next, the doctor called in his cat which carefully walked a circle around the bird and walked out.
"No doubt about it ", said the doctor, "That is a dead bird."
The doctor reached for his pen and pad. He wrote out a bill and handed it to the lady. "Eight Hundred dollars!?" cried the lady.
"That's Correct! I'm charging you for three procedures. There is my opinion, a lab report and a cat scan."
Ok not side splitting but good fun all the same and there is more to come.
Jeannette